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Big Four Banks Apologize for Wreaking Economic Havoc and Promise to “Make it right.”

Jamie Dimon Caricature

by Mike on April 1, 2013

NEW YORK, April 1—The leaders of the nation’s largest banks held a press conference today to apologize to the nation for the disastrous impact their greed and short-sightedness has had on the U.S. economy since the turn of the century. Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Citibank, and JP Morgan Chase all vowed that they would never again put their own interests ahead of the nation’s, and pledged to start a fund to compensate the victims of their self-serving practices.

Chase CEO Jamie Dimon (pictured above) was especially embarrassed. “I know I have it somewhere,” he said, as he searched his coat pocket for his checkbook.”I swear, I was going to write a check here today. Maybe I left it with Weinstein?”

While Dimon whispered to aides, sending them scurrying on a search, Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan took the podium.

“Look, we love this country. No other developed nation in the world would have let guys like us line our pockets at taxpayers’expense. And that’s why we want to give back. America, we want to help—just as soon as you’re three months in default.”

Moynihan then gave a non-working fax number for Treasury officials to send in America’s hardship letter. “We promise not to steal anything else while your compensation claim is under review.”

Officials for Citi and Wells, sitting at the podium, let reporters’ questions go straight to voice mail and would not return calls.

Dimon checked his watch and then left the press conference early. “Oh, would you look at the date. I’ve got an April Fool’s Party to go to.”

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